DEAR EIRCOM,

I AM SICK OF YOUR SHIT. I RANG YOU ALMOST 1 MONTH AGO. I NEEDED TO GET A PHONELINE OFF YOU FOR BROADBAND. NO BOTHER YOU SAID. WAIT 4 WEEKS YOU SAID. NO BOTHER I SAID. ILL WAIT FOUR WEEKS I SAID. SURE ITS WORTH IT TO GET BROADBAND I SAID.

I RANG YOU TODAY. YOUR COMPUTER VOICE GUY SAID. I AM UNABLE TO DETERMINE IF YOU CAN GET BROADBAND, HERE I'LL PUT YOU ONTO A REAL PERSON. I SAID NO BOTHER, WITH A MURMER OF DOUBT HUMMING AROUND THE NOGGIN.

"WELL, [MARY], I WAS TALKING TO THAT COMPUTER OF YOURS ABOUT BROADBAND AND HE PUT ME ONTO YOU." "CAN I GET BROADBAND PLEASE, I'VE BEEN EVER SO NICE AND WILL PAY YOU MONEY FOR IT".

"GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU WANKER, YOUR LINE IS TOO WEAK", [PARAPHRASING HERE].

"I SEE, AND WILL I EVER GET IT?", "NO".

"EVER?", "NO".

"LIKE, FOREVER?" "NO, BUT YOU CAN RING PEOPLE, AND ASK THEM TO DOWNLOAD YOUR PORN FOR YOU!".

"SO, ALL THESE ADS ABOUT BILLIONS OF PEOPLE BEING CONNECTED TO EIRCOM IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT?", "YES".

-PAUSE-

-BREATH-

"I'D LIKE TO CANCEL PLEASE"

-PAUSE-

"AH, YOU'LL HAVE TO TALK TO ACCOUNT SERVICES FOR THAT"

-PAUSE-

(dialtone). I HUNG UP.

And here I am, slowly seething. Wondering what to do next. What do I do next. Can they do this. Have I no say in the matter?

Just so you know, this is the second time and a second address this has happened to me. And it happened the exact same way.

Let me summarise, It's been a 5 week process for me to find out I can't get what I wanted 5 weeks ago. The reason they say I can't get broadband, isn't their fault at all, it's the line (oh wait. it's their line). It's not the exchange, the exchange is upgraded. My line is too weak.

"Eircom will only garuantee a phone connection when line is installed, we do not garauntee broadband" (that's an actual quote from the lady on the phone).